The Condemned

January 29, 2013 - 12:17pm

So I’m on the train and trying to figure out today’s date. I could simply take out my phone to find out but I’m stubborn sometimes. I’m late again. For work, that is. I don’t know, I just don’t like waking up in the morning. I don’t like them and they don’t like me. I don’t think it’s a difficult concept to grasp. But on a brighter note, I’m listening to Florence and the Machine. They’re a music group if you don’t know. I like them a lot. Their music fills me with a good feeling and makes me feel good about myself. Though I don’t know what’s to feel good about. Maybe because I have an eclectic taste in music? Who knows?

I actually think I know what today is. That’s only because I remembered that Friday is the 1st and I have to pay rent on that day. I’m not really looking forward to it. That’s just that stupid responsible stuff you have to do when you get older. I still haven’t grasped it yet. I’m not always on time with it. Probably won’t be this time either. But that’s only because I got really sick and missed work for a week. Ugh it was dreadful. I didn’t have the flu despite it being in season. I still felt like I was dying though. Anyway, I went to the hospital and they told me I have a virus and said I need plenty of rest. So that’s mainly the reason. I don’t get paid for the days I miss work. It sucks but I guess that’s life sometimes.

January 29, 2013 - 1:55pm

I never really know what I’m going to write about next or how to start writing. That’s the truth. God honest truth if you’re religious. I’m not religious. I don’t  follow them because there’s so many rules and stuff you gotta follow and most of the time that shit don’t even make sense to me. If you’re religious then you are probably finding this offensive. To be honest, I find religion offensive and that’s okay. I’m allowed to have an opinion. Wanna know what’s crazy though? I grew up Christian! I actually liked going to church when I was a child and all. But I’m older now and that stuff is irrelevant to me. I mean yeah I liked when I was young and all but I mean if you’re guaranteed candy after, then you’re gonna want to go too. And a child’s mind is so innocent that they will believe almost anything you tell them. I say almost because I don’t think I ever believed in Santa Claus. So yeah I just stopped going altogether.

I think I must have been 15 when I stopped going. That’s when I started becoming conscientious of other things that were going on in the world. I was kinda oblivious to that kind of stuff. I also started questioning my sexuality. If you’re wondering  and really need to know then yes, I am gay. I can say it because I have no issue with addressing it. I guess you can say that I’m comfortable with my sexuality. I like penis but maybe saying that is too much. Don’t worry, I won’t tell you about my sexual encounters. Maybe later if there’s room.

Anyway, I noticed that nothing is certain when I write. Like from the beginning of this book up until now, I changed the subject a few times. I guess it’s sort of like a diary. I have even started to include the dates and times when I start to write. I don’t really know why though. 

January 29, 2013 - 4:52pm

So, today, I keep writing new entries because I keep getting distracted. That’s because I’m trying to write while work and that doesn’t work very well unless nothing is happening. Like right now. 

I tend to beat myself up for not knowing where to begin when I write. Truth is I feel like I’ve mastered some sort of weird technique because I have been writing a lot in the past few days and even wonder if I’ve done more talking in this little notebook over the past few days than I’ve done with an actual person. I’m not antisocial or anything. Sometimes I just don’t feel like talking to people. And don’t take it to heart if I just want to be alone. I guess you can say that I’m a bit antisocial. But only when I want to be.

I wanted to tell you that I don’t stop only when I get distracted. I stop when I feel like I’ve run out of thoughts. I just don’t know what to talk about until the next time. 

I painted this canvas black to match what I feel inside me. Not my heart but I guess my insides. Like if I’m plagued I guess. I try to imagine what I look like on the inside. This canvas reflects what I see. I mean I can feel and I’m not cold. It’s just that its dark inside. I wonder if you were to cut me open and take out all of my organs if they’d be black. But that’s just some of the crazy stuff I think about.

I think a lot about censorship. Like censoring my thoughts, my emotions, my behaviour or reactions to people. I wonder if I’m subconsciously avoiding something by censoring myself. It’s a bit contradictory if you ask me. And I’ll tell you why. I mean I think everyone should express themselves freely. I try to but sometimes I get a weird look or people just simply don’t understand. So sometimes my thoughts never leave my mind. Or I probably forget before I get a chance to write them down. 

Except for right now. I’m writing right now. It’s different because I’m writing what my mind is saying. When my mind speaks, its like not in my voice or anything. It’s like I have someone narrating my thoughts to me. And this person sounds pretty confident. Not me though. I’m not very confident. That probably sounds really crazy.

But it’s okay if you agree. You’re not going to hurt my feelings. I just don’t need you calling the psyche ward or anything. I don’t think I’m that crazy. Yet.

Lately, I’ve had some serious writers block. Maybe that’s why I kinda feel really good about writing right now. It really is therapeutic and makes me feel quite accomplished. The only thing is this time it’s different. And being that this time it’s different makes all the difference. If that makes any sense at all. It kinda does to me so I guess that that’s what matters.

And I completely understand that you are reading this and probably thinking: ‘This guy is all over the place with this book.’ (Well if it ever really becomes a book, that is.). It’s actually okay that it’s all over the place. It directly reflects my life right now and nothing makes me more happy than to write something and share it with others.

I wonder who would believe me if I told them this was pure fiction. I also wonder if I’d win an award. Not that I care for those things. I just wonder if I could actually be good enough.

That’s it! I’m better at expressing myself through writing than verbally. Well with the exception of writers block, that  is. Most of the time I don’t even know where to begin. I mean what are beginnings made of? Can we ever really begin something? If so, can there be an end? All of this probably sounds nuts to you but if you’re not thinking like me then the confusion is expected.

But like I said, if you think it’s crazy then you can totally say so. You really won’t hurt my feelings. I can probably tell you anyway that it’s fiction and you’d probably believe me. That’s the fucked up thing about society. A lot of us will read something and automatically think it’s true. That’s not even the fucked up part. We’d believe it if someone says it’s true. I mean if I told you that the world was ending tomorrow, would you believe me? Probably not since there have been other people who thought they could tell the world when it was going to end. I’ll try to think of something more original next time. 

totally-relatable:

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